Animal Jokes — worst jokes

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.

- Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?

- Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist - the young biologist told the worried man.

- Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town.

- Ok, put him here on the table.

The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.

- I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead.

- No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?

- Yes, I'm quite sure.

- I just can't believe that....

- With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure.

The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.

- Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?

- No, I need more than that...

- Do you have anything else?

The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.

- Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir.

- OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...

- How much do I owe you?

- It'll be $650 bucks. - The biologist tells the old man.

- What?? - replied the old man.

- How can you charge that much??!!

- Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!

A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears.
They had only two applicants - a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist.

The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen.

He first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man:

- Can you do that?

- You're darn right I can - said the old man.

- just get that bear out of there first!

Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town.

On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey.

- I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here. - The bartender told him.

- I know - Garvin replied.

- But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink.

- OK - The barkeep told him.

- I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.

- Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it.

- Don't worry - The bartender replied.

- I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!

Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied:

- As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.

On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry.
Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.

The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:

Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him.
He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said:

- What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?

With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called:

- Mister, what's your name?

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said:

- You guess, buddy! You guess!

Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
→ Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

What do tigers wear in bed?
→ Stripey pyjamas!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
→ When your nose touches the ceiling!

What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
→ Sleep on the sofa.