Worst jokes

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like bike helmets.

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

- Oh my, I am so sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

- You know - he said.

- you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies.

- you just happened to catch my eye.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said:

- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

- My darling - he replied.

- think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

- What's up? - he says.

- I'm having a heart attack - cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says:

- Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

- You jerk - yells the husband.

- my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!