Worst jokes

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set.

- One dollar - the clerk replied.

- You've got to be kidding.

- Look, Mac - the clerk said - do you want it or not?

Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.

- How much for that? - he asked the clerk.

- Fifty cents - came the reply.

The customer forked over the half dollar, saying:

- What the heck is going on here?

- Nothing is goining on here - the clerk snapped.

- But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business.

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

- What the hell is that? - asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain:

- I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

- What was that for? - he asks.

- Oops! Sorry, lets try it again. - she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

- Wait, where are you going? - she asks.

The guy says:

- If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops:

- You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way - he pleads.

- Well, maybe - she says - But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us.

The boy stops and says:

- Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing.

The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.

- Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said - but what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie - but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks:

- Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?

- Of course, Son, we're a family.

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey - this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!