- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
- Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
- Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
- Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
- Judge: And where was the location of the accident?
- Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
- Judge: And where is milepost 499?
- Witness: About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.
Mr. Schneider stood up in court:
- As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.
Glaring down at him, the judge replied:
- He's not. I am. You do.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
→ Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
- Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
- Doctor: All my autopsies are on dead people.
- Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
- Witness: She is my daughter.
- Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
- Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?
- Witness: Yes.
- Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
- Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
- Witness: Yes, by death.
- Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
