Worst jokes

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY
11. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK
12. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT
13. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE"
14. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON
15. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE
16. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO
17. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS
18. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS
19. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

• Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
• If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
• If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
• If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
• He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
• He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
• If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
• If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
• He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
• Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
• If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
• He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
• While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
• This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

• If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
→ Ah thought ah paid it!

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.

Part A - Either Candidate

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...

• Iran
• Iraq
• North Korea
• Afghanistan
• Sudan
• Libya
• Axis of Evil
• Gay Marriage
• United Nations
• Tax Cuts

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...

• Saddam Hussein
• Osama Bin Ladden
• Al Qaeda
• September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center
• WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Homeland Security
• Nuclear Proliferation
• If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them
• If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light)

Part B - George W. Bush

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...

• Uhhh...
• If George Bush stutters
• Florida
• Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq
• Tony Blair
• Dick Cheney
• Terrorist or Terrorism

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...

• Miss-pronounces "nuclear"
• Mentions a John Kerry "Flip Flop"
• Mentions anything else about John Kerry's voting record
• Says "War on Terra"
• Says "Evil-Doers"
• Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks
• Commits a "Bushism" - meaning he says something that doesn't make any sense

Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush

• Chokes on a pretzel

Part C - John Kerry

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...

• [Any Number] Billion Dollars
• Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry
• Four More Years
• Anything about the economy
• No Child Left Behind
• Last Resort
• Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq
• John Edwards

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...

• Mentions "Mission Accomplished"
• Mentions anything about Vietnam
• Mentions anything about Purple Hearts
• Mentions anything about George W. Bush's service in the National Guard
• Mentions anything about Bush administration "misjudgments"
• Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?
→ Briefs!! ha!ha!

What's the definition of lawyer?
→ The larval form of a politician.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

- My name is Billy. What's yours?

- Tommy.

- My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

- My Daddy's a lawyer.

- Honest?

- No, just the regular kind.