Worst jokes

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?
→ "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York.

She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called:

- MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss.

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. She shouted:

- YOU, What's going to be?

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand:

- Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week.

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment.

- Tell me, - she said - God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said:

- I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it.

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said:

- Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut.

The young man waited a moment and then replied:

- You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.

The rabbi said:

- Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

My mother is a typical Jewish mother.

Once she was on jury duty. . .

They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit.

- Do you have anything to declare?

- No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all.

- How long do you plan to stay?

- Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks.

- By the way, where did you learn English?

- From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio.

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:

- I don't like Chinese.

- Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?

- Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.

- Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.

- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike.

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says:

- No like Jew.

- Why not? Why don't you like Jews?

- Jews sink Titanic.

- The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.

- Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks:

- Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?

- No Morris! - she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks:

- Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?

- Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!

Now Morris laughs.

- One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?

- Oy Morris I forgot that one too!

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris:

- So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds:

- They'll find us.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

- 2 French men and 1 French woman

- 2 German men and 1 German woman

- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

- 2 English men and 1 English woman

- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

- 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

- 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

- 2 American men and 1 American woman

- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest - said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest - said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

- I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground - said the youngest daughter.