Worst jokes

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

- Bob, Is that you? - Earl asked.

- Of course it me - Bob replied.

- This is unbelievable! - Earl exclaimed.

- So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?

- Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?

- Tell me the good news first.

- Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.

- Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?

- You're pitching tomorrow night.

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

- So, how did you do son? - he asked.

- You'll never believe it! - Billy said.

- I was responsible for the winning run!

- Really? How'd you do that?

- I dropped the ball.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.

- What do you mean? - he asked.

- Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

- Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:

- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:

- To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:

- Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

- You guys line up alphabetically by height. and

- You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:

- I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

- Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

- That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:

- I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:

- I've won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

- He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:

- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

- My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (1982)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:

- He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:

- One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis:

- I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time. (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

- But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

- I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:

- It's basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:

- I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

- I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

- He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings. (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

- Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

- Very well - said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

- But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.

- I know, and that's all right - Satan answered unperturbed.

- We've got all the umpires.

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
17. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
18. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
19. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
20. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
21. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
22. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
23. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
24. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
25. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
26. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
27. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
28. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
29. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
30. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
31. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it:

- Is this seat taken?

The man replied:

- This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.

The other man replied:

- I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?

The man replied:

- They're all at the funeral.

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read:

- Old MacDonald had a ________.

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder:

- Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba:

- Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.

- Oh yeah - said Bubba.

- I remember now.

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered:

- Tiny, how do you spell farm?

- You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.