One day God called the Pope, and he said:
- John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion.
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked:
- What's the bad news?
God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said:
- What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said:
- Did you try "aunt"?
The Pope said:
- Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
And Jesus said unto his disciples:
- Whom do men say that I am?
And His disciples answered unto Him:
- Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.
And Jesus said:
- What?
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:
- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.
With even greater emphasis he said:
- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.
And then finally, he said:
- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:
- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said:
- I give ten dollars.
Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.
- I give a thousand dollars!
The minister said:
- Lord, hit him again!
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
- Mommy, can we leave now?
- No - her mother replied.
- Well, I think I have to throw up!
- Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
- Did you throw up?
- Yes.
- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?
- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'.
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said:
- Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
- I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said:
- Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.
The third said:
- I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!
