A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked:
- Did I screw up the cooking...?
- No, - the cowboy replied, - you cooked up the screwing.
One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.
- Greetings, Miss Lewinsky, - the genie said. - Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.
- Well, - Monica replied, - I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.
- Your wish is my command, - said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
→ The top of her head.
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled:
- Wow, unbelievable!
Which woke Ed.
- What's going on?
- I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife.
- How come?
- To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!
After a pause, Ed said:
- Do you want me to come with you?
- Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that? - said Ted.
- Because that's my dick you're holding, - said Ed.
So the elephant says to the naked man...
- You breathe through that little thing?
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
- Mrs. Brown, - he said, - I have some good news for you.
The woman said:
- I'm glad of that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown.
- Miss Brown, - said the doctor without changing expression, - I have bad news for you.
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
→ Who cares?
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said:
- Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'
They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!
- What was that? - starts Hefner's friend.
- Oh, probably just the umbrella stand...
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
→ They couldn't close his casket.
