Worst jokes

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
12. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
13. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
14. You can focus better with one eye closed.
15. You fall off the floor.
16. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
17. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
18. Roseanne looks good.
19. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
20. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:

- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.

The pianist replies:

- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks:

- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?

The pirate replies:

- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

- Wow! - said the seaman.

- What about your hook?

- Well - replied the pirate. We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.

- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.

- How did you get the eye patch?

- A seagull dropping fell into my eye - replied the pirate.

- You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? - the sailor asked incredulously.

- Well - said the pirate - it was my first day with my hook.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:

- I want you to see this.

She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:

- what do you have to say about this experiment?

He responds by saying:

- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.

For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:

- What do you have in there, pal?

- A mongoose.

- What for?

- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.

- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.

- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.

- So is the mongoose.

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

- Are you Mr. Johnson? - they asked.

He admitted that he was.

- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?

Again, the man admitted that he was.

- And what did you do then - the troopers asked.

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

- Where is your car now? - the troopers enquired.

The man answered that it was in the garage.

- May we see the car? - asked the troopers.

The man answered:

- Sure, and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

- But I paid, don't you remember? - says the customer.

- Okay - says the bartender.

- If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies:

- If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says:

- You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.

- Don't bother me with your troubles - the final patron responds.

- Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said:

- You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman.

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender:

- Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.

So the bartender follows the mans orders and says:

- That will be $36.50 please.

The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.

- What, no drink for me? - replies the bartender.

- Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.