Worst jokes

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated:

- I'm telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said:

- General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

- That's no problem, son - said the sergeant.

- Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.

- But what about a bayonet, Sarge? - asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.

- Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom:

- Bangety Bang Bang!

The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes:

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - repeats the recruit, to no avail.

He gets desperate.

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says:

- Tankety Tank Tank.

- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: Sure, buddy.

- Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: No, SIR!

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was:

- Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked:

- So? What did you do?

- We just shut down two engines.

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"
Pravda: "Big Red Victory."
Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"
Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"
Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"
The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked:

- How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered:

- A basketball coach?

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said:

- Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.

- Well, I, uh - she stammered.

- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.

- I see - he said.

- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.

- That's not bad - she replied.

- How much for all night?

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest:

- Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.

- No, no - you don't understand! - the Syrian replied.

- Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!