Worst jokes

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.

- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.

- No thanks - said the young man.

- My father wouldn't like it.

- Don't be silly - the minister said.

- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:

- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

- Well - replied the young farmer - he's under the load of hay.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man:

- Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied:

- Naw, these are soybeans.

- You don't understand - said the preacher.

- Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said:

- Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer:

- Are you lost?

- Naw! I've lived here all my life - answered the farmer.

- Are you prepared for the resurrection? - the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked:

- When's it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied:

- It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked:

- Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

- Pa, the chickens got loose - the boy confessed sadly - but I managed to find all twelve of them.

- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.

- You left with seven.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him:

- Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies:

- I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

- How? - asks the man, puzzled.

- Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.

- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she. How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said:

- He looks like this as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

- Oh no, you horrible man - she replied. I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed:

- Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:

- You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!

The old rancher replied:

- Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775

1. Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2. Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3. Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4. The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5. Marines don't wear dungarees.
6. Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7. Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8. Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9. Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10. Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11. The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12. The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13. Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14. Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15. Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16. Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17. Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18. Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19. Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20. Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21. Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22. Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23. Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24. Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25. Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26. The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

- You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay - said the officer.

- All right, sir - said the bright soldier - I'll take the money.