Worst jokes

A Loan At The Bank

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:

- What are you going to do with the money?

- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.

- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

- Don't know of collateral.

- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?

- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.

The banker shook his head:

- How about livestock?

- Yes, I have a horse.

- How old is it?

- I don't know; it has no teeth.

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills:

- Here's the money to pay loan - he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

- What are you going to do with the rest of that money?

- Put it in my pocket.

- Why don't you deposit it in my bank? - he asked.

- I don't know of deposit.

- Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked:

- What you got for collateral?

Only In America

- Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

- Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

- Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

- Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

- Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

- Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

- Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

- Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Who Pushed The Port-a-Potty

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked:

- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again:

- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said:

- I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.

So the Indian asked again:

- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?

To which the littlest Indian replied:

- I push port-a-potty over cliff.

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks:

- Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?

The old Indian replied:

- Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!

Jose At The Stadium

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

The Great Dog Fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.

- We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

- That's nothing - an American replied.

- We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

How To Speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

- Aig - What a hen lays

- Aints - He's got aints in his paints

- Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

- Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

- Bag - He bagged her to marry him

- Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

- Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

- Bub - the light bub burned out

- Cheer - What you set in

- Crick - A small stream

- Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

- Chiny - country over in Asia

- Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

- Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

- Cyow - Animal on Farm

- Deppity - He helps out the shurf

- Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

- Dainz - Satidy night social

- Ellum - A graceful tree

- Fanger - What you put your rang on

- Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

- Far - What get the brandin arn hot

- Furred - He got furred from his job

- Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

- Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

- Furiners - All non-'bamans

- Further - Hits ten miles further to town

- Grain - She was grain with envy

- Hail - Where bad folks go

- Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

- Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

- Hilbilly - People in the next county

- Hollar - Whats between the hills

- Hard - Got a brend new hardhand

- Tar - His core blew a tar

- Laymun - A sour fruit

- Laig - Most folks have two of them

- Lather - What you climb up

- Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

- Mailk - what you get from cyows

- Mere - What you see your self in

- Minners - Live bait

- Misrus - Married Woman

- Nar - Opposite of wide

- Nayk - Your head sets on it

- Nup - No

- Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

- Ormy - What the sojers go in

- Pank - A light red color

- Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

- Petition - What separate the rooms

- Poke - A paper bag or sack

- Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in

- Poke Salit - A green vegetable

- Puppet - What the preacher is in

- Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

- Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

- Rang - You wear it on your fanger

- Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

- Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

- Rainch - A big cow farm

- Rat - Do it rat now!

- Rench - Rench the soap yourself

- Roont - She plum roont her shoes

- Salary - A stringy vegetable

- Soardeens - Small canned fish

- Shar - A light rain

- Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

- Toad strangler - A heavy rain

- SodyPop - A soft drink

- Sprang - Water out'n the ground

- Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

- Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

- Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

- Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

- Tho - Tho me the ball

- Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

- War - A bobbed war fance

- Worsh - Go worsh your face

- Warter - What you worsh your face in

- Yurp - A continent overseas

Captured By Cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- a pistol for me please.

The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- Gimme a fork!

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks:

- My God, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker responds:

- So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

Facts About Americans

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

- Men do 29% of laundry each week.

- Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

- 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

- 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

- 91% of us lie regularly.

- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

- 90% believe in divine retribution.

- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

- 82% believe in an afterlife.

- 45% believe in ghosts.

- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

- 35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million?

- 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.

- 7% would murder.

- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

- 85% of us will eat Spam this year.

- 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

- Snickers is the most popular candy.

- 22% of us skip lunch daily.

- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

- 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

- 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

- 45% use mouthwash every day.

- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

- 33% of women lie about their weight.

- 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

- 57% have had deja vu.

- 49% believe in ESP.

- 44% have broken a bone.

- Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

- 15% regularly go to a shrink.

- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

- 17% have been caught by the host.

- 29% of us ignore RSVP.

- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

- 22% are functionally illiterate.

- Less than 10% are trilingual.

- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

- 40% of us have had music lessons.

- 44% reuse tinfoil.

- 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

- 59% of us say we're average-looking.

- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

- 6% propose over the phone.

- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

- 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Texan In Toronto

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver:

- What's that building there?

- That's the Royal York Hotel - replied the cabbie.

- The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? - asked the Texan.

- About 12 years - replied the cabbie.

- 12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.

- What's that building over there? - asked the Texan.

- That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre - replied the cabbie.

- Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that? - asked the Texan.

- About three years - replied the cabbie.

- Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.

- What's that building there? - asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

- Danged if I know - replied the cabbie,

- It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday.

Angering An Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies.

- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

The second Englishman remarked:

- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

- You're right. He's unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked:

- Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

- Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.