Worst jokes

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

- What do you want for breakfast? - asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied:

- i'll have some of those fucken thanks.

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

- Now what do you want for breakfast? - the dad asked the other twin.

- Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure - the twin replied.

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

- Right at the end of - Billy Bob replied.

- Could you spell that for me please? - the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said:

- How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

- Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over - said Jim-Bob.

The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said:

- Nope, dat ain't Bubba.

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body.

- Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over - said Billy-Joe.

The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said:

- Dat ain't Bubba.

- How can you tell? - asked the mortician.

- Cause Bubba had two assholes - replied Billy-Joe.

- Two assholes? That's impossible! - said the mortician.

- Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'

What's the best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?
→ Get in the truck!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now?

- Well, bro, what did you name them? - and asked with some trepidation.

Whereupon, his brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

The husband, relieved, said:

- That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?

The brother winked and replied:

- Denephew.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:

- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies:

- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied:

- You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other zebra:

- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.

The second zebra responds:

- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.

- I think there's water in the carburettor.

- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.

- You don't even know what the carburettor is.

- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.

- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.

- We'll see - mocked the husband.

- Let me check it out. Where's the car?

- In the swimming pool.

What did the digital clock say to his mother?
→ Look ma no hands!

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of missionary do you use?

The other replied:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah ha! - he replies.

- No wonder.. those are friars!