Worst jokes

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

- That's it! - she shouted:

- I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!

- Wait honey - Glen pleaded:

- Can't you at least let me explain?

- Fine, let's hear your story - Donna replied.

- Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing - explained Glen.

I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me.

- Then - Glen continued:

- I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

- Don't move! You're a statue!

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says:

- Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered:

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

- The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth.

- Well - his friend replies:

- since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!

- And that's where you're wrong - the man smiled.

- If I sell it, my wife would kill me!

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:

- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered:

- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:

- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied:

- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.

And Adam said:

- What is a 'caress?'

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said:

- Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said:

- You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.

And Adam asked:

- What is 'make love' Lord?

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said:

- Lord, what is a 'headache?'

- For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while? - Julie whined.

- What? - Chris replied.

- Look around! - Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room.

- Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!

- I'm sorry, honey - Chris said.

- Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me! - Julie exclaimed.

- Hmmmm - Chris mumbled:

- that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

- I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

- I mean.. - she whispers:

- .. I would do ANYTHING!!

He returns her gaze.

- Anything??

- Yes,.. Anything! - She says.

His voice turns to a whisper.

- Would you.. study??

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:

- For Women Only.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

- All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

- All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out:

- Business trip or vacation?

She turned, smiled and said:

- Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked:

- What's your business role at this convention?

- Lecturer - she responded.

- I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

- Really - he said:

- what myths are those?

- Well - she explained:

- one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

- I'm sorry - she said:

- I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.

- Tonto - the man said:

- Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - replied the teacher.

- Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?