Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. ?1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king everything.
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
- Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you.
- When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion - she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
- I'm curious though - he said:
- Where did the thirty dollars come from?
- Oh that - his wife replied:
- Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
- What was the name of the Instructor? - asked the neighbor.
- Oh, ummmm, let's see - the old man pondered.
- You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?
- A rose? - asked the neighbor.
- Yes, that's it - replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted:
- Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:
- Yes - then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:
- I thought we had a deal.
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
- She made me a better offer.
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says:
- And you are no good in bed either - and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says:
- What took you so long to answer the phone?
She says:
- I was in bed.
- In bed this early, doing what? - Shouts the doctor.
- Getting a second opinion!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:
- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly:
- Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
- Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?
Tom responds:
- Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said:
- From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
- The funeral director - said his wife.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
- Honey - she said:
- you received a very strange post card today.
- Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later - he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
- Is this yours? - he asked.
She said:
- Yes, could you bring it up? - and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said:
- I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said:
- I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?
The man hesitated then said:
- Do you act like this with every man you meet?
- No - she replied:
- only those who catch my eye.
