Worst jokes

Supplemental Rules for Bowling:

- If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

- When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

- After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

- When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

- After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

- If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

- A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

A woman, while touring a small South American country, was shown a bullfight. The guide told her:

- This is our number one sport.

The horrified woman said:

- Isn't that revolting?

- No - the guide replied.

- revolting is our number two sport.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says:

- That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you.

The first guy responds:

- Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret + blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out:

- Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.

Snow White says:

- Well at least Dopey's alive!

How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
→ He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

- The cups man! Save the cups! - cries George.

- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.

- I'll do anything for 3 points - he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said:

- we don't just need points now, we need snookers!

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

Can u believe what people do in the church these days? I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church. I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared.

- Climb in! - shouted a man in the boat.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God.

- Heavenly Father - he said.

- I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied:

- I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:

- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed:

- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?

- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

You know you are in a Texas church when:

- People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

- The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

- The restrooms are outside.

- Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

- A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- When it rains, everyone is smiling.

- Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

- The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

- The pastor wears boots.

- Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

- There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

- Baptism is referred to as "branding".

- There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

- Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

- High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

- People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

- People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

- The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American.

After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

- I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here.