Worst jokes

Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?
→ Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.

What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
→ Are you sure it's yours?

You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says:

- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The guy answers:

- The joke's on you, Johnny...

- Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!

How do you keep a Polak in suspense?

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.

The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde:

- Are you SURE you understand the plan?

- Yes! - replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.

The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

- No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion:

- What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband:

- Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied...

- I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says:

- Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...

- Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

- Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks:

- Wow, I can't believe that worked! - and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

- There... now you're f**ked!

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says:

- Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in.

He looks at the teacher, and asks her:

- What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

- Oh, that's easy - the teacher replied - the Titanic.

So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief:

- How many people died on that ship? - St. Peter asked.

- Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him:

- Name them.

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...

- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!