Worst jokes

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

- I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.

- No problem - says the Wizard.

- WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward:

- Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.

- Done - says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly:

- I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.

- I've heard it's true - says the Wizard.

- Consider it done.

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks:

- WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?

And Willie replies:

- Is Dorothy around?

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked:

- Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

I said:

- If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled and nodded knowingly:

- That's why we ask.

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled:

- What on earth are blind people doing driving!

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said:

- this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often,

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. I announced to the technician:

- Hey, it's open!

- I know - answered the young man.

- I already got that side...

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back.

- What are you supposed to be? - asked the host.

- I'm a snail. - he said, Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back.

Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:

- Excuse me...is the bar tender here?

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff... Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."

The brother repiled:

- Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!

Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
→ He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? - says the bartender.

- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!

- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?

- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...

BAD DOG!

Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan: What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

To make this work, do this as fast as you can and don't cheat!

Spell Fort 5 times
Say Fort 4 times
Spell Fort 4 times
Say Sort 3 times
Spell Fort two times
Say Fort once
Quick!...

What do you eat cereal with? (Scroll Down)
→ You're pretty weird...most people use a Spoon! :)

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.