A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells:
- PULLOVER!
- NO - she yelled back over the sound of the siren:
- It's a SCARF!
Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.
How old are you?
→ Oral.
Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!
I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!
But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:
- My husbands home! My husband's home!
What a gal I married!
And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
- What are you doing? - asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"
The wife says:
- Tiger wouldn't do that.
- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
- NO - says the exhausted hubby!
- Well who are you calling then - she asks.
I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!
A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced:
- This is soup made with matzoh balls.
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to:
- Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it.
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
- That was delicious - he said, but I was wondering...
"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman:
- Is he breast fed or on the bottle?
- Oh...he is breast fed! - replied the woman.
- Well then, strip down to your waist - orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says:
- No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds:
- Well of course I don't.
- I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!
Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked:
- What gender is a computer?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.
