Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says:
- So what's bothering you, dear?
She says:
- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.
The priest says:
- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
She says:
- That he did, Father...
The priest says:
- What did he ask, Mary?
She says:
- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....
YEEOOOOOOOUCH!
What is black, blue, red, and brown?
→ A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.
What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?
→ The invitation.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So that brewnettes can understand them.
What is a fine lookin' man with a brewnette?
→ A hostage.
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:
- What the heck, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:
- What's the name of your penis?
- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:
- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?
- Other customer: Timex!
- First guy: Why Timex?
- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
- First guy: What's the name of your penis?
- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!
- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?
- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
- Tech Support: What does the screen say now.
- Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.
- Tech Support: Well?
- Person: How do I know when it's ready?
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said...
- Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.
Old & New concerns for the baby boomers:
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying:
- Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!
Some of life's truisms...
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Are you harboring a fugitive?
→ Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
→ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
→ Dum Gai
Small Horse
→ Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!
→ No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach?
→ Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
→ Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift
→ Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
→ Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?
→ Hao Long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution
→ Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet
→ Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone
→ No Pah King
You are not very bright
→ Yu So Dum
I got this for free
→ Ai No Pei
I am not guilty
→ Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer
→ Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled next week
→ Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived
→ Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
→ Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
→ Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
→ Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!
→ Hu Flung Dung?
