I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
The kid ran out of the burlesque show.
The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.
The kid said:
- My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed:
- I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!
For those of you who may need it...
A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
- 12% on Monday
- 23% on Tuesday
- 40% on Wednesday
- 20% on Thursday
- 5% on Fridays
And help me to remember ...
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!' The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.
The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.' 'Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
- Why, I've been to the pub of course - slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
- I did all right - the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
- Oh, thank heavens - sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!
What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!
How do you cure constipation?
→ Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!
