Worst jokes

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I Committed adultery."

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Priest: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Rabbi: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Rabbi: How many times?

- Woman: Just once.

- Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Confucious say:

- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

- Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

- Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

- Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

- Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

- Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

- Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

- Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

- Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR TOO LONG...

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

- When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the "else" clause.

- You try to sleep, and think sleep (8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours */

- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

- When after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number and hummmmm to imitate a modem... and you succeed...

- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

- When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

- When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

ARTERY - THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA - BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM - WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL - A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION - A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN - SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE - HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC - A SHEEP DOG
COMA - A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C - WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE - TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA - NOT A FRIEND
FESTER - QUICKER
FIBULA - A SMALL LIE
GENITAL - NOT A JEW
G.I. SERIES - A SOLDIER'S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL - COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT - DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN - GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF - A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID - A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES - CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE - WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT - A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR - A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS - A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE - LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM - PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM - DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
SECRETION - HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE - ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET - SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS - GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND - VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE - OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE - NEAR BY
VEIN - CONCEITED

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.

"Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning."

"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman. "Do you want the rest of the day off?"

"No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out."

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

"Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.