Worst jokes

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help:

- Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says:

- I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother:

- Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says:

- Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her:

- Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?

His sister looks up and says:

- Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says:

- Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
→ Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
→ The ZIP Code.

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.