Worst jokes

Yo mamma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender:

- How much for a beer?

The bartender replies:

- For you, no charge.

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other:

- Are you all right?

- No, I lost an electron!

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive!

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

- You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said:

- If you only knew...

- My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.

- My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.

The lawyer nodded and said:

- Exactly...

- Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?

- Olive ?

- Yeah, you know:

- Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?
→ Trapper John

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends.
11. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
12. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
13. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
14. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.
15. This diamond is just way too big.
16. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
17. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.
18. Does this make my butt look too small??
19. I'm wrong, you must be right again..