Worst jokes

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying...:

- It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:

- It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them:

- It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth:

- It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another:

- It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them:

- It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:

- This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.

What do elephants use for condoms?
→ Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
→ Epileptic pigmies.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
→ 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
→ There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ?
→ His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
→ A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away his credit card.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
→ A two-ton pickup.

What did the female elephant say during sex?
→

- Can I be on top this time?

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
→ Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
→ Wipe it off!

Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
→ None of the offspring survived.

How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
→ VERY attractive.

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
→ The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
→ Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
→ He stamped it to death and then said:

- Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
→ Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
→ Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
→ Lots of room.

What's grey and comes in quarts?
→ An elephant.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
→ Swim for your life!!

Why do elephants lay on their backs?
→ To trip low flying canaries.

Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
→ He wasn't laying on his back.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
→ Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
→ Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
→ Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
→ Slow pygmies.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:

- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

- I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGHT INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise - Calories burned per hour

• Beating around the bush - 75
• Jumping to conclusions - 100
• Climbing the walls - 150
• Swallowing your pride - 50
• Passing the buck - 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
• Dragging your heels - 100
• Pushing your luck - 250
• Making mountains out of molehills - 500
• Hitting the nail on the head - 50
• Wading through paperwork - 300
• Bending over backwards - 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
• Balancing the books - 25
• Running around in circles - 350
• Eating crow - 225
• Tooting your own horn - 25
• Climbing the ladder of success - 750
• Pulling out the stops - 75
• Adding fuel to the fire - 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms - 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
• Starting the ball rolling - 90
• Going over the edge - 25
• Picking up the pieces after - 350