A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.
The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said:
- Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?
His bride replied:
- You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!
- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?
- Probably that I married you for your money.
Jill tells her husband:
- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
- Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?
- Gosh - Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!
- Honey, I have a confession to make - a guy told his bride.
- I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season.
- Well, dear - she murmured.
- I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker.
- No big deal - replied the groom.
- Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!
- I'm fed up with your jealousy - the furious wife told her husband.
- Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?
Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:
- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said:
- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?
The guy says:
- Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:
- What the hell happened?
- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.
- Piss on him - answered the husband.
- You did - said the wife, and he fired you.
- Well, fuck him - said the husband.
- I did, and you go back to work in the morning!
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband:
- Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?
- Why no - said the husband, flattered.
- Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! - she yelled.
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
- When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.
- No, I can't marry anyone after you.
- But I want you to.
- But why?
- Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!
