Worst jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says:

- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies:

- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

Your mama is like a pool table, 25 cents and she'll rack your balls.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

- To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

- Of course, - she smiled.

- I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

- What does SHE have that I don't? - She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

- Parkinsons, - he replied.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few fries short of a happy meal.

- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

- All foam, no beer.

- The butter has slipped off his pancake.

- The cheese slid off his cracker.

- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

- Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- As smart as bait.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Her sewing machine's out of thread.

- One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

- Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

- Receiver is off the hook.

- Not wired to code.

- Skylight leaks a little.

- Her slinky's kinked.

- Too much yardage between the goal posts.

- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.

- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

- Is so dense, light bends around her.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

- Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.

- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

- She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

Other funnies...

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

- A day without sunshine is like, well night.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

- Honk if you love peace and quiet.

- Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

- Why yes, of course. - said the owner.

- We have a very wide selection.

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

- Well, maybe I have just what you need. - remarked the owner.

- Wait here.

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

- Wow, that pretty neat. - said the man.

- But what's so special about it?

- This is the Voodoo dick. - remarked the owner.

- Watch.

Then the owner commanded:

- Voodoo dick, rise.

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face.

- Voodoo dick, door.

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded:

- Voodoo dick, box.

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced:

- My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?

- Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.

- Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it. - demanded the man.

- No, not for sale.

- $500.

- No, I cannot.

- $700.

- I am sorry.

- $1000.

- Well, ok.

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife:

- When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest. - explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded:

- Voodoo dick, cunt.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

- Why in the hell were you driving so crazy? - asked the officer.

- Well officer, - answered the wife.

- I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.

To which the officer responded:

- Voodoo dick, my ass!

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

I absolutely hate sex on the television.....

I keep falling off!

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks:

- And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson replies:

- I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her:

- Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

Mrs. Johnson yells:

- Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!