If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !
Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!
Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!
What did mary say to santa during the storm?
→ Look at that rain, dear!
Where do plumbers buy there presents?
→ Bath!
Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
→ Because there is a lot of space!
What is the use of reindeer?
→ It makes the garden grow sweetie!
How many legs does rudolph have?
→ Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!
What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
→ Squash!
Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
→ To see what made it run!
What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
→ Reg!
Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
→ No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer
Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
→ Because they lace there boot too tight!
What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
→ A herring aid!
Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
→ Measles!
Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
→ Leeds!
Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
→ Redcar!
Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
→ Newcastle!
What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
→ Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.
What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.
Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?
→ To play his WhoreMonica
One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill:
- You have one wish.
Bill Clinton cried:
- But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!
- Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you - replied the Genie.
Bill Clinton thought hard and said:
- Bring peace to the middle east.
He took out a map to show the Genie.
The genie said:
- Nope. Can't do that choose another wish.
This next wish came up right away.
- I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do
The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly:
- Um...can I take a look at that map again?
A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.
One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly:
- 51!!
- 51!!
The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times.
Finally, the bartender speaks up:
- Excuse me - He says:
- But why do you ladies keep doing that?
- Well - Says one of the blondes, very bubbly:
- We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!
TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.
