Worst jokes

Why did the baseball coach throw Cinderella off the team?
→ Because she ran away from the ball.

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops.

- Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.

- Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

- More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself.

- Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that is not a problem - Sam says.

- I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

- By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...:

- Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...

Must be a rubber tree...

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon. - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied. Nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press -- to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. He said to the salesperson:

- But, I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?

The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see:

- Wow, look at that S-car-go.

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
→ When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.