Worst jokes

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

• ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where was the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line...she said:

- THEY CHEATED!!

The Judge said:

- how??

The dumb blonde screamed...

- THEY USED THEIR ARMS!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
→ Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

- Can you see farther during the day or at night?

- During the day of course.

- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.

OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
→ She sucked as an intern!

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.

They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on. The first doctor said:

- I like to work on electricians.

- Why - the others replied.

He answered:

- When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes.

The second doctor said:

- I like to work on librarians.

- Why - the other doctors asked.

He replied:

- Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.

The third doctor said:

- Well, I like to work on lawyers.

- Lawyers?! - replied the others suprised.

- Yes, Lawyers - he stated.

- But why? - they asked him.

- Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable.