Worst jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said.

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

- Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says:

- You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says:

- You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said:

- You'll see.

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says:

- Ticket Please.

An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said:

- You'll see.

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says:

- Ticket please.

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.
8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.
9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.
10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.
11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.
12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.
13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady...not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.
14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

- Dad, can I ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No!

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope!

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wear...

- Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied:

- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said:

- Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say:

- Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

MACINTOSH stands for...

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.

He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.

Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.

When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said:

- This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.

- My wife's gone to the West Indies.

- J'ya make'er?

- No, Barbados.

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:

- If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

- If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?