Worst jokes

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says:

- Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says:

- Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says:

- Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!

- Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says:

- Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says:

- NONE!

The teacher replies:

- None, how do you figure that?

The little boy says:

- If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.

The teacher replies:

- Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says:

- Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies:

- Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies:

- Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says:

- Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says:

- I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'? - queries one of the old gals.

- Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up! - replies the first lady.

The second lady then muses a bit and says:

- I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?

- Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well - the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask:

- And, what will you name your husband, sister?

- I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels' - she said.

- Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!

- That's my LeRoy! - the third woman responds.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:

- What's wrong with you?

The small guy says:

- Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says:

- Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
12. And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
13. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
14. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
15. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
16. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
17. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
18. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
19. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied:

- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

- First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.

- Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.

- First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. -{----- The information went data way --------[
11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry".

- Hans Olaffsen? - he thinks.

- How in the world does that fit in here?

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks:

- How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers:

- Is name of owner.

The visitor asks:

- Well, who in the heck is the owner?

- I am he - answers the old man.

- You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...

What your name? I say Sam Ting." (Sam Ting = 'same thing')