Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit

- Will you get out of my hair!

- Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

- Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.

- Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.

Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Hey, WITH pain it costs $200!!!, replies the dentist.

Dentist to parsimonious patient "No, we give no discount for empty spaces when cleaning and polishing teeth Mrs. Borde!"

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

• 1 screw $1
• Knowing how to put it in $4999
• $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
→ They discovered they were throwing away the best part.

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Dentist begging the patient:

- Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

- Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

- There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
→ One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"

"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.