Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

- You should cut down on drinks.

- I don't touch a drop.

- You should cut down on smoking.

- I don't smoke.

- You should stop taking drugs.

- I don't do drugs.

- You should cut down on womanizing.

- Haven't touched a woman in my life.

- In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"

"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

- I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

- Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?"

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!"

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?"

"Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world? "The Dentist will see you now."

- Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

- What does he call his other eye?

- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Really! What are you taking for it?

- (with a grin) Black pepper!

- My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!