Random joke from this category
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.
Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.
The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.
The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.
So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.
A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:
- Hello, how's the whole family doing??
The son, who answered the phone, answers:
- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife:
- I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on.
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies:
- Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?
The husband replies:
- No - I'm turning the heating off.
An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.
- I don't have one - she said.
- Well then, are you a friend of the groom?
- I should say not - snapped the woman.
- I'm the bride's mother!
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:
- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.
Adam answered:
- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:
- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.
And the Lord replied:
- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.
And Adam said:
- What is a 'caress?'
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said:
- Lord, that was even better than the kiss.
And the Lord said:
- You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.
And Adam asked:
- What is 'make love' Lord?
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said:
- Lord, what is a 'headache?'
What does "WIFE" stand for?
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During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
- Well, at least we know she got there all right - commented her husband.
Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.
- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.
- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks sweetly.
- Listen! - he shouts again.
- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
- Well, I guess it's that time of the month!
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.
All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
