Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him:

- You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died? - The 60 year old responded

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked:

- How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded:

- Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldn't believe it:

- Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again:

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was astonished. He said:

- You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?

The 60 year old said:

- He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that - said the patient

- my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.

The doctor said:

- At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?

His patient looked up at the doctor and said:

- Who said he wanted to?

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?
→ The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
House Wife Barbie ...dressed in ratty, old housecoat; comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

- Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!

- Oh dear! I'm very sorry - replied her friend:

- What did you do?

- Opened a can of peas instead!

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!"

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning.

- I want you to begin divorce proceedings - she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said:

- Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said:

- We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - says the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband:

- But why did you stab him over a hundred times? - asked the judge.

- Oh, your Honor, - replied the defendant,

- I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife.

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads:

- I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading:

- Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!