Random joke from this category
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:
- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.
- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.
- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
→ Her husband wakes up.
There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.
- We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.
The englishman grabbed the gun.
- Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good.
He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying:
- We've been maried too long. I just cant do it.
So he was booted out.
The frenchman grabbed the gun.
- If I must, I must.
He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying:
- I love her too much. I just can't do it.
So he was booted out.
So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell.
- That fucking bitch is really going to get it.
Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.
The agent asked:
- What the hell happened in there?
The Ukranian replied:
- Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her:
- What are you up to?
Alice smiled:
- I'm going hunting with you!
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her:
- If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming:
- Get away from my deer!
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell:
- Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said:
- Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!
- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:
- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.
- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...
- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?" The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
- Nothing, - said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again:
- Seriously, what's wrong?
- Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as Thank you.
- Why should I? - he said. - Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift.
- Yes, - she said, - but I'm their real mother.
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.
The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says:
- She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought.
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.
- 9.30 okay?
George said:
- Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said:
- Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
- Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? - one of the foursome asked.
George said:
- Sure if I'm ten minutes late.
Another golfer jumped in:
- Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.
George said:
- Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.
- What if she's lying on her back?
George said:
- That's when I'm ten minutes late!
