Random joke from this category
Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.
Betsy smiles and blushes, and says:
- Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!
So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter:
- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:
- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter:
- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:
- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
→ On their bunnymoon.
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says:
- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:
- your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says:
- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:
- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?
He replies:
- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.
His father says:
- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?
Johnny answers:
- Well, so far, we've been lucky...
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks:
- What part did you get?
He replies:
- I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congradulated him. And then he said:
- Thats good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. - What's going on? - Ed asked one of the crowd.
- We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine - he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.
- Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
- I can do that! - Ed said confidently.
- No you can't - said Ted.
- I sure as hell can! - said Ed.
- You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster - said Ted.
- Watch this - said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.
- Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? - Ted asked.
- Remember three months ago - Ed said...
- When my wife had whooping cough...?
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.
- What's wrong?
The depressed one replied:
- I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away.
The other lady asked:
- What did they used to do?
The depressed lady replied:
- Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician.
And the other said:
- Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies:
- I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says:
- it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that.
The woman turns to him and smiles and says:
- Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!
