Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married men?

It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month...

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

A man goes to his doctor and says:

- I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?

The doctor replies:

- Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says:

- What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says:

- Honey, what's for supper?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

Why do women have smaller feet than men??
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first?
→ The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!

What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant

What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

- No thank you - she said politely.

- This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.

- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.

- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said.

- But, it has my husband pretty upset.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:

- What's are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies:

- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.

- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:

- Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies:

- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

- Cool! - says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks:

- Then who are these for?

- Those are for college men - The dad answers.

- TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

- WOW! - exclaimed the boy.

- Then who uses THESE? - he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied:

- Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice:

- Shall we go home, Mother of Six?

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back:

- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

- Do you realize what time it is? - she asked.

He answered:

- Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house.

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked:

- What did you buy for the house, dear?

His answer was:

- A round of drinks!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!