Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?
→ In a pellet court!

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

30 things people actually said in court

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in the moment of impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ 45 years

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident?
→ Approximatly milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
→ Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Sir, What is your IQ?
→ Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?
Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, Voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes
Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes sir
What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
What were you doing at the time?

She had three children right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ none.
Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ yes
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.
And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?

Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
→ Oral

Do you recall the time you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
→ It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.