Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

- Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

- No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

- Officer, who provided this description?

- The officer who responded to the scene.

- A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

- Yes sir, with my life.

- With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

- Yes sir, we do.

- And do you have a locker in that room?

- Yes sir, I do.

- And do you have a lock on your locker?

- Yes sir.

- Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

- You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman pinscher.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
→ Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
→ Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
→ A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
→ Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
→ If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.

What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.

Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.

How old are you?
→ Oral.

Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.