Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average time by 20 percent."

"That's nothing," said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
→ No fee--If No Recovery!

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
→ You cry when you cut up an onion.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
→ Other lawyers look interested.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they stiffened and hesitated.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

A young boy asked his father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"