Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,

"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
→ You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
→ A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" "No," he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
→ Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
→ Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
→ The vulture eventually lets go.

- Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

- Person 2: Why do you say that?

- Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled - "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."

"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.

"Wait, there's more...

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."

"THAT'S when I hit him!"

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"