Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Some things I've learned from my children:

• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Almond!

- Almond who?

- Almond the side of the law!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Andrew!

- Andrew who?

- Andrew a picture!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Andy!

- Andy who?

- Andy mosquito bit me again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Astor!

- Astor who?

- Astor the ball is over!

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your trousers backwards."

- Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.

- Dad: No, I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.

What happened when Dr Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
→ He got atomic ache.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bologna

- Bologna who?

- Bologna & cheese!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bjorn

- Bjorn who?

- Bjorn with a silver spoon in his mouth!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bat

- Bat who?

- Bat you'll never guess!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Arnold

- Arnold who?

- Arnold friend of yours is a friend of mine!