Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?

- Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping!"

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

- Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Tell me about your problem.

- I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."

The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered??"

To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!