Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
→ The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

- We need to get these people to a hospital!

- What is it?

- It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

One Polish surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?"

"Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss.

"But where were you yesterday?"

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"

The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!"

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Well, give me the bad news first.

- You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- You also have Alzheimer's... In three months you'll forget everything I told you.

- Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

- I am, bit by bit!

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

- Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

- Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

- Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"