Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three gay guys were all in a car crash and died. All three guys were cremated.

Their boyfriends were talking about what they were going to do with the ashes.

The first boyfriend said I am going to sky dive and spread his ashes in the sky because that's what he liked. The second guy said I am going to spread my boyfriend's ashes in the sea because it's what he liked.

The third guy said I'm going to put my boyfriend's ashes in a bowl of chili so he can rip through my ass one last time!!

- Dad, can i ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No.

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope.

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wears.......!

- David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?

What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
→ Fisher-Price

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

- Give four advantages of breast milk.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

- If I could come that way - she tells the retreating clerk:

- I wouldn't need the batteries.

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said:

- Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.

- Well? What did he want to do? - they all asked.

She said:

- I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one.

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued:

- Then I put the first hand above the second hand...

- Oh my God! - they all exclaimed. It must have been huge! Then what did you do?

- I loaned him $75!

What does Bill say to prospective interns?
→ "Haven't I cum across your face before?"

Why can't you circumcise Iranians?
→ There's no end to those pricks.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says:

- A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.

One student stands up and says:

- Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit.