Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A midget walks into the doctors and says:

- Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching.

The Doc says:

- I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya. So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.

The doc finishes and says:

- How's that?

The midget says:

- Fucking brilliant, what did you do?

The Doc says:

- I trimmed back your high boots

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? He asks.

- Three knots, she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.

What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
→ Depth perception.

One morning a little girl ran inside and said "Daddy, Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new hay!"

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says:

- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says:

- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied:

- No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says:

- my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. He exclaims:

- Oh, oh, aaaahhh - My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks:

- MY picture?

He answers:

- yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks:

- why do you wear a robe? We are married now.

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims:

- oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture.

He beams and asks:

- why?

She answers:

- SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.