Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom:

- who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday.

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said:

- Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter.

And the suitor replied:

- Forget your daughter, I want your cow!

Why did the pervert cross the road?
→ He was stuck to the chicken.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said:

- If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab.

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. He asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

- Fifteen bucks - came the reply.

- And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?

- What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

The cabbie replied:

- Fifteen bucks.

The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

- And just where have you been until this hour? - demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

- Down at the office, - he replied, working like a dog.

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.

Then, one of them got an idea, saying:

- I know, let's play swords!

- Play swords? - asked the other.

- How?

- Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack 'em together like swords.

So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords.

Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.

- We're playing swords! - yelled one of the bums.

The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted.

- I'm tired, - he said. He bent over saying:

- kill me!, kill me!!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
→ To keep his ankles warm.

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!

Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.

Jim looked at Tom and said:

- Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?

- I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.